Hello Little John from New York
I am writing so express my gratitude for creating such a wonderful new
website. There is so much helpful information on the site; it’s a fitting
complement to the Growing Awareness group, which we stumbled upon several
years ago. One can only hope a companion book is on the way.
I have one comment to make it is
about the use of the prefix “Little.” Please know that my
concerns are purely about a personal preference. When I hear the word
“Little” I feel as though some judgment is being made even though I know of
course that’s not at all the intention. However, I prefer that my mum,
Gloria, refer to me as her “Buddy,” but you may also know me by my official
name, “Inner Glow.” Mum created these names for me because she has always
cringed at the sound of the word “Little.” She says it reminds her of all
the miserable demeaning experiences she’s been through in life and says she
doesn’t need any more help remembering them.
There was no one there to “mother” or “father” us
at any point.
because we are living in the land of the most skeptic, a/k/a New York City.
No need to analyze it however, it is what it is. And nor do we begrudge any
others the use of whatever name they choose for their partnerships with
their selves. In fact, we celebrate any and all people who have the courage
and curiosity to step out and acknowledge their “buddies.” Whatever we can
do to help promote this cause…well, just ask.
As Gloria’s “Buddy,” I am her best friend but she would probably say
something like I’m also her best enemy. But we are
trying to work out the conflicts between us, although it seems to be taking
up our whole lifetime. Doing this work on our own is tough, especially
because this kind of feeling stuff is not always the most appropriate
conversational topic in our circles.
Those Awareness groups you have
every month in your area look mighty inviting to us. Are these only open to
locals to join in or would it be ok if non-locals like us join in by
Well, I am so glad that this website
can give us some more direction in working out our conflicts.
Wishing you much success with the
site and with your relationship to Big John,
“Buddy” a/k/a “Inner Glow”, from New York City
Little John's reply..
It's great to hear from you "Buddy". You are so right, it does not matter
what name your grown-up uses as long as it is the name that YOU are happy
with because it feels right for you. I lived in a family where I was
forced to "grow-up" too quickly. When I was being beaten by my father he
insisted that I was not allowed to cry, that I had to "take my punishment
like a man" (at 5 years old!!). My Dad went off to the
war in 1942 when I was 6 years old but before he left he told me that I was
now "the man of
the family" and that I was responsible for protecting my mother and
my little sister while he was away. It got worse, when he came back from the
war, I was 8 years old and expected to think and act (and work) like a
grown up all the time. So that's why I am so happy today being "Little John"
because it reminds me that at last I can relax and be a kid and not have to
pretend to be a big man any longer. It's great.
So you can see how my history, like yours, helps us choose the right name
for each of us, as you have done. Have a look at the note below from Little Mighty
Mike who got his grown-up to add the "mighty" bit to his name. That is a
very important part of this website - it gives inner children a chance to
talk about what they want from their grown-up.
I'm sorry that grown-up Gloria sometimes thinks she sees you as her "enemy". As
an Inner child myself I know you are not that way at all. But sometimes we
carry so many bad memories and scars that our grown-up gets frightened in
they all come to the surface before he or she is ready to handle them.
Grown-up John and I (and grown-up Gloria and some other friends) are working
hard to find ways to make this part safer and easier.
Maybe you or some other Inner child who reads this can help with
Monday 17 December 2007
Hello little john it's me again
We did some work with John recently on
a situation where Grownup Gregory was going for a promotion at work. At
least that’s what he thought! But during the interview Little Gregory
(that's me) started worrying that if the promotion came through I would be
copping too much extra responsibility in the new job. This has happened
before, in fact all too often in the past. He sends me, out seeking more
responsibility but then he and I both get terribly upset if I can’t get it
Grownup G was going
really well in the interview until I stepped in at the end of the interview.
Suddenly it appeared to the
interviewing panel (who know nothing of the ways of us inner children)
that Grown-up G had lost his
enthusiasm about getting the job,
which was not the case, it was me.
In a short time I had contradicted everything that Grownup Gregory had said
about what a great job he could do in the position. Needless to say, that's
damaged Grownup Gregory's chance of getting the promotion.
All day after that our Inner Critic then beat up me for what I had done,
until by the next morning, I could hardly lift my head off the pillow, and
didn’t know which way was up.
Thank goodness Grown-up
G rang John and did some work in which John honoured me, Little Gregory for
my honesty, (because it was true that I did NOT want the extra
responsibility that would go with the promotion). The Inner Critic let up
straight away so that Grown Up G could get on with the demands of the day.
Grown up G is starting to see more
clearly how often I have been stepping
up to the plate habitually to take responsibility for other people. The
trouble is that Grown Up Gregory only realises this after I am being
devastated by the attacks from our Inner Critic because I stuffed up. I want
Grownup Gregory to become more aware so he can speed things up and step in
before I grab the wheel’ as I have been doing for so long.
Little Gregory, Kyeegmah
Little John says..
Good on you Little Gregory. You are so clear about what is happening, it is
amazing. The more your Grownup G can be aware the minute you start heading for
the drivers seat, the more Grownup G can step in and remind you that what
needs to be done is grownup’s work (especially a job Interview or a
leadership position at work.) Then you can take it easy and relax.
I am Grown-up Jackie but I have a question for you.
My Inner child 'Little Jackie' has been feeling a very lonely and neglected
I have tried in vain to cheer her up but she just sits there and looks sad
all the time.
How can I get her back to normal again and feeling safe and happy ?
I have tried putting her in her safe place and
reassuring her that she's OK, but it's not working.
I thought that being an inner child yourself you might have some
suggestions on what to do ?
Grown-up Jackie (Gympie Qld.)
Little John writes:
From the sound of it Little Jackie you are feeling very lonely, and even when
you are in your magic 'safe' place (that your grown up Jackie created for
you). You still feel alone . When I was feeling like that at first, Big John did something
magic for me. He created two new characters my very own Magic Inner Mother and
Magic Inner Father who live in the Safe Place with me! Now I never feel
alone. I didn't feel that I had a real mother or real father when I was a
kid. But these two characters are just so different, they look after me the way
I had always wished loving parents would. So tell Grown-up Jackie you
want her to create a couple of characters like that for you, Little Jackie.
Its quite easy really
for a grown-up to do this. Big John has explains how on this website if you
INNER_PARENT_PROCESS and also
Inner_Father_for Little John.
Jackie you might like
to read these pages with her but it is very important that her
Grown-up does the process for you, You must not try to do it yourself because
caring for you and helping you feel safe is definitely part of your grown-ups work.
Little John this is sooooo coooool having a place to talk. Would you please
let Big John know we (Big Michael and I) have given ME a new name. We got
the idea from the other letters on the site.
I saw Little Mighty Marks name and knew I had to be known from now on
as LITTLE MIGHTY MIKE, I LOVE IT and I can’t keep the smile off my face.
Hey Little John you are one lucky kid having such a cool dude like Big John
there with you.
Since Big Michael met him my life has just got better and better. I am so
lucky I have this great new safe place to live in now, Big Michael built it
for me when he took me out of the old inner village (yuk I really didn’t
like it there lots and lots of horrible people who weren’t nice to me ).
My new safe place is just like the forts from the wild west very strong and
I have the best new family in here with me, my new inner parents are way
cool just like the ones I always dreamed about.
I am very proud of Big Michael to he is turning into a great adult the best
thing is he takes care of stuff now and I get to play more. I LIKE THAT, hey
can you tell Big John to remind Big Michael that I love to play with his two
girls, he keeps forgetting.
Bye for now and thanks again Big John its great being able to talk to Little
Coolum Beach QLD
Prrurrt! Little John.. This is
Sabian.. How are you. I hope you are not
weirded out talking to an inner kitten. I like you...you smell nice in what
say. My friends here are all OK. Wolf angel said I should say hi
myself.. So Here I am ..I don't know what to say, I always feel awkward
the first time I meet someone even if it's a bunch of typing. But since
I have been able to speak to the people here things have gotten better
for all of us. Thanks Little John for what you say and thanks to everyone
else you live with too. They are cool cats too..
Talk later, Sabian
Rrrowwrl ... purrrr..
and Little John,
Good to hear from y'all,
Dorsey (Austin, Texas-USA)
This is most likely a subject for Big John to deal
with, but I'm taking you up on your invitation to talk. Well, it's like this...
I sometimes cannot control my anger, especially when
I am confronted with people who try to put me down, even when they say
things jokingly, I seem to take things so close to heart and feel hurt and
How could I control this and where do you think this
stems from ?
Why should I feel like this when for example my
partner might say to me after I come home after a hard days work in the
course of conversation "What makes you think that you can do your work
better than the others you work with" ?
This can throw me into an argument defending myself
and feeling unappreciated and unloved ?
Please help me I am just a lost little child and I am
Little Michelle from Melbourne (Victoria) Australia
Little John replies ...
I am not sure what the real trouble is here little
Michelle. You are right, grown up John may need to talk to your grown up
about it. But I have a very strong suspicion that there are four very
nasty characters at work inside you and your partner. These four love to
set up terrible fights and arguments between people who really want to be
friends and lovers. Ask your grown-up to read the notes to you in these
Fights where inner matriarchs and inner patriarchs
Characteristics of the Inner Patriarch and Inner Matriarch
of Bonding Patterns -
Thanks to you and Big john for the great new website! Great place to talk
and let off some steam and get some answers I hope!
I would like to get some opinions from some other inner children out there
How come I feel so bad about the way my parents treated me when I was a
little girl? Why were they never there for me ? Why were they always
sooooooo busy to even see me sometimes ? I know that somehow it was my
fault, but what was it that I didn’t do?
Does anybody else out there feel like this ?
I feel so lonely some times and I've felt like this for
as long as I can remember.
Every time I get close to someone sooner or later I still feel lonely ?
Am I still looking for love from my parents ? Who by the way are no longer
Someone out there, let me know how you feel and if you have the same
Any answers anyone ???
Lee Sydney – NSW Australia
To contact Little John by e-mail